Oh, how quickly things change. Last post(and the post before) I felt that time was slipping through my fingers, but for the moment I often feel as though the end can't come soon enough, even though it's fast approaching as it is. Though I was strongly encouraged to stay with it and even made to feel a little weak for not (I'm not happy with that, but at least I recognize and can resist it), I dropped out of the choir after it came to light just how much catch-up learning of old songs (old to them) they wanted me to do in addition to learning new songs at a pace that visibly strains the most experienced singers. Constantly feeling I'm behind, way behind, and need to catch up isn't a way I can picture myself gaining confidence in singing. I'd rather walk that path together.
Now my outward commitments are few and far between. I think I've had it up to my ears with classes and dinners and this big event and that one. I like learning, but not the way it's usually done here. It feels mechanical. One acronym after another. One small hobby after another abandoned when the initial appeal wears off. If you were really interested in sustaining the practice, hopefully you can do it on your own; otherwise, good luck with getting a group to stay together. (Who am I to talk, though? Look at choir.) I guess I still have some residual bitterness about the writers' group disbanding, not that its death was unpredictable. It could be seen coming. The majority of the classes I stick with now are language related, which makes sense, given my planned educational route. I have a strong feeling a lot of the work I'm doing now is preparing me for some aspects of my job as a librarian.
Without having classes left and right (OK, I haven't for a while, it's just that I'm still grateful for my shift in thinking) I have more free time to build friendships outside of a constantly structured environment, and to read and write, which I value a lot. I just finished a series called The Hunger Games which is aimed at adolescents, but I really enjoyed it. I haven't read anything that engaging in a while, and it's quite thought-provoking, too. I can't wait until the movie comes out in March. I'm also trying to write a poem a day, more or less. I bought six little notebooks from an art supply and stationery store (I think they were about a shekel and a half each, or 30 or 40 cents) with paper lined the way I remember it being lined in grade school, with a dotted line through the middle to help kids give their letters the right shapes and proportions. I haven't seen paper like that in ages. I don't know if that's because I don't work with little kids or because no one cares about penmanship anymore because we type practically everything we share with others. I'm going to hopefully guess the former. I wish my education had given me better penmanship. I'm going to unscientifically state that I think most people (nowadays...whippersnapper) have bad penmanship. Anyway, I plan to fill one of these notebooks each month with poems, even if they're bad. Even if they're terrible. I like writing and want to be a better writer too much to let self-consciousness beat me into not even trying.
I seem to just be going through another phase in a place that overall doesn't change fast or much (it's a world center...how can it?); only my attitude shifts. Sometimes I think about how beautiful the place is and I feel like I never want to leave, but I know it's an illusory feeling, because other times I feel pretty profoundly claustrophobic. I still think it's weird, infinitely weird, the way that my environment is crafted and not crafted such that locals feel like people, but people on the other side of a thick sheet of glass. That's why so few of the staff learn Hebrew. That's why I'll go home feeling I still don't understand much about Israel and the Middle East (even in the midst of the Arab Spring) and I can't tell you I really understand the first thing about Israeli culture, because the first thing is not what you observe on the street, in shops and restaurants. The first thing would have to be learned in a give and take situation, a situation of interaction, not a situation of observation, like on the other side of a panel of glass.
I think my tone sounds very tired and jaded. Today it is, I try to be positive and I'm proud to say I'm getting better all the time, but I will allow myself some balance with reality.
I am STILL waiting for my results from UWM. OK, I shouldn't express impatience. I'm not exactly sure when my complete materials were received, though I think it was about a month ago, and they said I would hear a decision in about a month. Out of curiosity I asked about the possibility of deferral by a semester or a year. I figured that if I could locate an opportunity it might save me some money to work or something in a Spanish-speaking country for a while, rather than studying abroad (which I acknowledge that I really ought to do. I would most prefer to be able to just get on with my studies at this point in my life, but I did not study abroad as an undergraduate, and translators between common languages have to prove themselves in a number of ways: advanced degrees, certifications, memberships, experience, immersion).
I have six months left. Some people think that's still a lot of time but I don't really. I'm totally overwhelmed by the things I'd like to get done in the office before I leave. (As I said, everything I would like to do outside of the office I've already done or I can continue doing it at home). I'm starting to recognize they can't all be done by me. But I'm reassured to know that they can all be done by someone, eventually. I feel pretty confident that I'll soon be dispensable. That's a relief.
